PEACE

I feel like I haven’t posted in forever. It’s been a couple of weeks, I guess. A lot has happened in that time. But the most important is that I feel at peace again. 

Life is strange, that when your heart is breaking you have tonnes to write about but when you’re experiencing a period of calm, all you want to do is enjoy it, embrace it, in solitude, without talking to people about it. 

I’m still trying to wrap my head around all the changes in my life recently. What a journey it’s been! If anything, I’ve learnt to appreciate every minute. All is good. I’m content. 

Peace 😛

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THE ONLY TRUTH

No one is perfect. No one’s life is perfect. There’s always going to be something in our life, maybe something small, that we’re not happy with and wish we could change..

If my life were to end tomorrow, I’d be upset that I haven’t had anyone who isn’t genetically programmed to do it, look me in the eye and tell me that they love me. I’ve never had anyone say it to me and mean it, like it’s the only truth they’ve ever known. Does love like that exist? If it does, why is it not mine? 

I’m not desperate for it to happen. I’m just acknowledging that it does make me sad that I don’t know what it feels like. I guess if I’m trying to look on the bright side, it could happen someday. Ah, the possibilities.. ❤️

CHANGE

Someone on Tumblr recently posed the question “What defines you?” to a friend and the reply she got was “Nothing. A definition excludes the possibility of change.” 

I was stunned. Because it’s true. We are constantly changing. And hence, it is impossible to define ourselves. Even if just a little bit, even if it’s subtle. Sure, at the core, our essence may stay the same, but our likes, dislikes, our favourite colour, favorite show, favorite dessert, favorite season.. these things change over the course of our lives. It’s part of being human. 

Change is good. Change is important. Change is growth. Change is healing. If we are unhappy with the way things are now, we can choose to do something about it. We can choose to change it. 

Whether we like it or not, situations affect us. We can decide what we want to take away from that experience. We can decide how to look at it. 😊

THE NEXT STAGE

Almost two weeks ago, I put up a post called Relationships for Life. It was one of the important posts on my blog even though most of the words in it were not mine. It doesn’t matter that the words were not mine, what mattered was what those words were tried to convey.

I mentioned the ‘honeymoon period’ and the fact that sometimes that part of a relationship blinds us to other details about our partner that we will later figure out anyway. Some of these details we may not like. Some, we grow to understand and accept. The ‘honeymoon period’ will end. And that raises the question: what’s next? Can it only get worse from there? I am no expert on relationships (trust me), but even I can say that it doesn’t always have to go downhill from there.

I think once that period ends it could or should progress naturally to the next stage: safety and security. No, I’m not talking about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. But think about it… this is that stage where you’re probably already comfortable with your partner. You trust them wholeheartedly. You rely on them. You lean on them and they lean on you. It’s a relationship based on mutual respect, love and trust. You come home from work, tired, ask them about their day, listen while they tell you about it, tell them about yours and perhaps later settle on the couch, in their arms and binge watch the new season of your favourite show. Simple. Comfortable. Peaceful. Most importantly, SAFE.

The fire hasn’t stopped burning, it’s burned downed to a warm steady flame. Consistent. That’s what I think.

ANXIETY (Part Trois)

Anxiety is different for everyone person who suffers from it. 

I hate waking up feeling anxious, it’s like waking up with a dark cloud over your head that you know will follow you for the entire day. I wake up anxious for no particular reason whatsoever and the anxiety just escalates over the course of the day because I feel like I’m anxious over something that I’ve forgotten. Like, “what have I forgotten to do?” “What if it was important?” It feels like a life and death situation even though it’s not. 

I wake up and just lie in bed, sometimes for a more than half an hour, trying to convince myself that it’s okay to go to work. The fear that I’ve had too many good days at work and that today could be the day I finally mess up real bad, consumes me. It’s a challenge getting up and telling myself that that’s not going to happen. 

Anxiety for me is needing to be held. I know that I’m in a place where no one will just hold me, see me at my worst, tell me to breathe, just stay with me till it passes and continue to be there knowing it could very well happen again. Having anxiety and knowing you don’t have anyone around you who would do that for you is distressing. 

Anxiety for me is having random men hit on me during the day. If I tell you about it later, it’s not because I’m trying to brag or make anyone jealous, if I talk about it it’s because I’m trying to convey how uncomfortable it made me feel. Men here are more forward than men back home so it’s new for me but it also makes me super uncomfortable. I’m usually by myself and I consider myself to be pretty smart but when something like that happens I just shut down. And there’s no one around me to step in and stop it. 

Anxiety for me is working too hard, pushing myself to be better, being too hard on myself, because if you want something done, you have to do it yourself, even if it’s logically impossible to do it yourself. I know some of the things I’ve taken on is impossible to do by myself but I still take it on and give way for the anxiety to take bigger chunk outta me. And if and when something goes wrong while doing that impossible task, I crumble. 

Anxiety for me is someone telling me something and me obsessively thinking about that thing for days on end. 

Anxiety for me is having to do something I’ve never done before with no way to get out of doing it. I can just see myself having a breakdown. 

Anxiety for me is not being able to decipher what I am feeling. The more I can’t understand the more anxious I get. 

Anxiety for me is constantly apologising unnecessarily. I was lead to believe that nothing I do could be right, I was made to feel guilty for tiny things repeatedly that now I apologize every step of the way. I was lead to believe that nothing I do will ever be good enough, that I will never be good enough, that the fact that others are even tolerating me is something I should be grateful for. The constant apologizing is a hard habit to break. 

Anxiety for me is asking people for reassurance even if I know they’d never hurt me, at least on purpose. I know asking for reassurance can be annoying but I don’t do it because I doubt you. I do it because on some days I need you to say the words, that you won’t leave, that yes you’re still my friend and nothing can change that. Sometimes it’s just those words that keep me going. 

Anxiety for me is a lot of things. One thing for sure it is not – it is not my definition. My anxiety isn’t all there is to know about me. There is a lot more to me. Anxiety just so happens to be one of my temporary companions. I will not let it be the only thing about me. 

HalloVeen Heist 2017

I had to do this. I just re-watched the Halloween Heist episode from the new season of Brooklyn Nine-Nine and it was perfect. The whole episode was perfection. Halloween heists just get better with every season but this one was the BEST. Because it included Jake proposing to Amy. This post is completely about the proposal because I had to get it out of my system (even if no one reads it). I loved the proposal, I love the words he used, because other than being cheesy and romantic, the scene covered everything about their relationship, both as friends and as a couple and I loved that he used the ‘heist’ to do it. It even covered the ‘title of your sex tape’ bit that had me cackling. Here is a link to explain the ‘sex tape’ story from the show: Every Title Of Your Sex Tape

I’m posting the link to the proposal video but if you don’t want to watch it, I’m going to break it down gif by gif as well because I have the time. Also, I’m kinda obsessed with how perfect it was. Here’s the link: Jake Proposes to Amy

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He ended it with

Jake: Amy Santiago, will you marry me?

Amy: Jake Peralta, I will marry you.

So here’s why this whole thing was so special – He chose to propose to her during the Halloween Hiest that they do every year at the precinct, during which they are both insanely competitive because winning it means so much to both of them. He chose to put the words ‘Amy Santiago, will you marry me?’ on the belt that was supposed to be the “trophy” of the heist which he knew she’d win btw. He was confident that she’d end up with the belt in her hand. He chose to do it in storage because that is where they first kissed. I love that they both joked about ‘title of your sex tape’ after he was already down on one knee with the ring in his hand. I love how he hadn’t exactly prepared a speech and just wanted to say what he felt in the moment. He told her he loved how smart she is, before he told her how beautiful she is and he always finds the time to talk about her butt. He mentioned how she doesn’t actually like the ‘Die Hard’ movies but still pretends for his sake because he loves them so much. Now this is important in my opinion because to be with someone does not mean you will love all the same things. But you can understand and love the differences. She made the effort to watch all the Die Hard movies for him. That’s love. He pointed out that she is caring and funny and that she’s the best detective, even better than him. Damn, he really does love her.

And later, when everyone was arguing about how and when he must’ve decided to propose, he revealed this:

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I have said this before as well – when you realise you found your weirdo, it will be a moment that will make no sense to anyone else. It will be something totally random. Jake had an epiphany when Amy complained about the typo in the crossword puzzle. He knew he had found his weirdo. And he knew he had to absolutely marry her.

I think I loved this so much because like every girl I’ve dreamt of a proposal. I don’t think I’ll get my chance. Sometimes you find your weirdo and that’s it. I won’t get my proposal so all I can do is dream of it. And this is legit as close to my dreams as it could get. hehe.

FIND YOUR WEIRDO AND MARRY THEM

RELIGION (Who am I?)

I am Roman Catholic. And every now and then, I will come across someone who will ask me questions like “Do you go to Church every Sunday?” “What do you pray about?” “Does it really work?” When I was younger I used to pray and go for mass because I was told that it was what every catholic must do. When times were tough, I prayed. Every day I prayed to God to get us out of the crappy situation we were in. I don’t know if it was my prayers that worked or if it was just a combination of timing and luck that we were able to make it through, but when I was a kid I believed it was because I prayed for it to happen.

As I grew older, I only prayed when I was in tough spot but neglected to do so when things were fine. I went for mass every Sunday, not because mum told me to do it, but because I always felt like my week was not complete if I didn’t go. And then I was put in a very difficult situation, concerning my job and things were completely out of my hands. I remember staying up that whole night and having a conversation with God, and I remember saying “Well, I’ve done all I can do for now.. I leave the rest at your feet. Do with it what you will. I will accept whatever happens.” The situation was such that there were more chances for things to go wrong than for it to have a favourable outcome to me. But it somehow, worked out. That job was a turning point for me.

I am not an expert on the bible. I will not be able to point out the exact line where it says that I need to go to church every Sunday. I go to church every Sunday because it brings me peace. Because it makes me feel good.

Religion and faith in god, is not universally accepted. Atheists and agnostics exist. No one knows for sure whether God exists. But some choose to believe he does. And others just don’t. What can be agreed on is that irrespective, faith in God is what keeps a lot of people sane. Believing that there is a being superior than ourselves who can work miracles and make things in our world better, is something that we sorely need. Especially at times like today when the world as we know it can very possibly end.

I have never considered myself a Catholic/ Christian extremist. You know, the Christians who believe that God will persecute and punish gay people, who believe that Donald Trump is the best thing to happen to us and that his idea to build the wall was prophesised in the Bible. The views these extremist Christians have are positively archaic, and I do not stand for any of it. You cannot call yourself a Christian and actively believe that God will be against love of any kind. Love is love and that is like, God’s whole thing.

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”  – John 13: 34-35

Secondly, we say that only God has the right to judge us yet, so many Christians think they have the right to judge people of the LGBTQ community for their lifestyle, like being Christian somehow means we’re better than them? But that’s missing the whole point of being Christian. We are all equal. Being Christian means, we believe God created us, and by saying that being gay is wrong, you’re implying that God messed up. I believe that we are who we are, we are who we were always meant to be, and that everyone was created for a reason. We may not always see it or believe it because the world tells us there is something wrong with us because of our sexual orientation or because our values and beliefs differ from theirs. The question I ask myself very often is “Who am I?” “What do I stand for?” And then I remember this brilliant scene from Sense8:

I guess who I am is.... exactly the same as you are

not less thannot better than

Because there is no one who has been..or ever will be exactly the same

as either youor me

In today’s world you are truly brave if you have the courage to be yourself and accept the fact that you have no right to judge anyone for who they are and the choices they make. Whether they believe in God or in aliens or in anything else. You do you.