Anxiety is different for everyone person who suffers from it.
I hate waking up feeling anxious, it’s like waking up with a dark cloud over your head that you know will follow you for the entire day. I wake up anxious for no particular reason whatsoever and the anxiety just escalates over the course of the day because I feel like I’m anxious over something that I’ve forgotten. Like, “what have I forgotten to do?” “What if it was important?” It feels like a life and death situation even though it’s not.
I wake up and just lie in bed, sometimes for a more than half an hour, trying to convince myself that it’s okay to go to work. The fear that I’ve had too many good days at work and that today could be the day I finally mess up real bad, consumes me. It’s a challenge getting up and telling myself that that’s not going to happen.
Anxiety for me is needing to be held. I know that I’m in a place where no one will just hold me, see me at my worst, tell me to breathe, just stay with me till it passes and continue to be there knowing it could very well happen again. Having anxiety and knowing you don’t have anyone around you who would do that for you is distressing.
Anxiety for me is having random men hit on me during the day. If I tell you about it later, it’s not because I’m trying to brag or make anyone jealous, if I talk about it it’s because I’m trying to convey how uncomfortable it made me feel. Men here are more forward than men back home so it’s new for me but it also makes me super uncomfortable. I’m usually by myself and I consider myself to be pretty smart but when something like that happens I just shut down. And there’s no one around me to step in and stop it.
Anxiety for me is working too hard, pushing myself to be better, being too hard on myself, because if you want something done, you have to do it yourself, even if it’s logically impossible to do it yourself. I know some of the things I’ve taken on is impossible to do by myself but I still take it on and give way for the anxiety to take bigger chunk outta me. And if and when something goes wrong while doing that impossible task, I crumble.
Anxiety for me is someone telling me something and me obsessively thinking about that thing for days on end.
Anxiety for me is having to do something I’ve never done before with no way to get out of doing it. I can just see myself having a breakdown.
Anxiety for me is not being able to decipher what I am feeling. The more I can’t understand the more anxious I get.
Anxiety for me is constantly apologising unnecessarily. I was lead to believe that nothing I do could be right, I was made to feel guilty for tiny things repeatedly that now I apologize every step of the way. I was lead to believe that nothing I do will ever be good enough, that I will never be good enough, that the fact that others are even tolerating me is something I should be grateful for. The constant apologizing is a hard habit to break.
Anxiety for me is asking people for reassurance even if I know they’d never hurt me, at least on purpose. I know asking for reassurance can be annoying but I don’t do it because I doubt you. I do it because on some days I need you to say the words, that you won’t leave, that yes you’re still my friend and nothing can change that. Sometimes it’s just those words that keep me going.
Anxiety for me is a lot of things. One thing for sure it is not – it is not my definition. My anxiety isn’t all there is to know about me. There is a lot more to me. Anxiety just so happens to be one of my temporary companions. I will not let it be the only thing about me.